its like watching a movie that you know all the surprises and scare tactics, and with that means i know how it ends too. i wish i didn’t. i wish it was a different scenario, that even something small was different. anything so i wouldn’t feel like im walking into a hazardous waste factory. its hard to breathe and im nervous, nervous for you and nervous for myself, i want to be wrong.
these past 5 days i have made excuses up for why i left you out. all of them ignoring the real reason, i…
the way that my soul feels right now maybe you wouldn’t be such a hard critic.
i’m tired of feeling inadequate for your life, for my own life. all these rules i fought for so long to make part of my daily ritual have gone out the window and i have become involuntarily passive. passive to feelings, passive to caring, and passive to subjectivity. i am still this innocent child inside, dreaming and believing in the inevitable, i know for a fact my life will take me places, and i do not doubt…
you are my muse and my inspiration. your the reason why i create and have passion. i admire where you came from and the name that you have created for yourself. you are a pop icon and have swept the music scene with nothing less than the utmost drive and ambition. i aspire to achieve like you achieve, and to stand up for who i am and what i believe in.
strike 1: friday the 13th
strike 2: pancake fist pump
strike 3: wrong apartment
strike 4: spending 5 min trying to get christina’s car to open only finding out it wasn’t her car
strike 5: bathroom break
strike 6: blurry pictures
strike 7: almost getting my car ticketed
strike 8: almost running off the road
strike 9: elevator freak out
strike 10: battery dying
strike 11: chris chan playing poker at work
strike 12: banana hammock man riding bike
strike 14: seeing a license plate…
i feel like part of me is still clinging to this past idea of what a relationship is supposed to look like, and part of me is insecure about what it has actually turned into.
i want to be so vulnerable, but im afraid i don’t know how to be any longer.
i feel uneasy and weak at times because part of me wonders if you even notice me, but the other part of me doesn’t really care.
im looking for the next best thing, while still trying to fill this incessant void i am searching for.
when it…
i miss my long hair, and i miss the parking garage, i miss photography adventures, i miss when we would skip class for smoke breaks, i miss how every friday was our time, i miss midnight movies, i miss best friend kisses and holding hands, i miss sleepovers, i miss the way we used to dance at shows, i miss the way i used to feel secure, i miss the notes, i miss the videos, i miss the life and the love.
at what God is trying to tell me.
Over and over again I have been told, “you don’t want to disobey God”.
Of course I don’t want to disobey God, but honestly, I thought God could use me anywhere.
Back and forth, and back and forth, I am probably about the most indecisive person ever.
I get something in my mind, and I do whatever it takes to achieve that, and more then often, once I get said “achievement”, I don’t want it anymore, and I am off again to find the next best thing.
I suppose…
isn’t that how it is? JUST as you begin to see closure, and vindication, something happens and it ropes you back in. im not saying that i have just thrown in the towel and am back at square one, but i am definitely second guessing myself. but this is a key example of what the devil is capable of. he knows just when you are starting to rely on God, but are still weak, and then he attacks. i feel attacked, i know that he knows exactly what it takes to push my buttons, and i know that he is…
so i had this dream that i drove to dallas for all time low, and travis from we the kings ended up coming over to my friends house where i was staying, and we ate cereal together. and then i ended up bailing on him to go to denton to make it in time to see tyler, and travis was sad. FREAKING WEIRD.
I have seen numerous ‘christians’ with the same agenda and the same lyrical lies that accommodate their beliefs. They are quick to judge others behaviors and point out their faults all the while needing to re-evaluate their own position on the subject.
But thats how it works right, if you can pick and point out others faults faster than they can realize your own, its like you’ve won a free pass. Your bad deeds go one day more unnoticed, and now thats not to say that God doesn’t notice…
